Hello Again

so its been a while, i dont particularly care for updating this thing b/c i dont think anyone reads it but every once in a while its ok, b/c writing down my thoughts is a good thing...anyways my life is i think i might say in a word, contented, not happy b/c there are still many things im lacking that i want..but i am going to school again which i think is turning out to be a good decision..i love learning and being educated esp. now that i am taking all classes that i want, i have a real passion for philosophy and i love learning second language..it had been 2 years since i took spanish classes and i love it..but yeah thats the nerd in me, i have returned to work at a place that i thought i had left for good at the beginning of 2008 and now i am back, but serving this time and it feels completely different...it almost feels like new job even though i worked here previously for like 6 years, but i am so far liking my job....i am actually really good at it, i mean its not terribly difficult..but the people i wait on are so nice and i am nice in return and i make good money..i feel like i have a real ability...[so says the other millions of servers too] haha but i mean its making me happy for the time being and fuck all the rest...i am doing what i want with my life for now and i have decided making myself happy has to be a priority..but beyond that it is more than sufficient to say that if a year from now, i am still doing this, i will not be happy..grad school needs to happen..in the most urgent sense of the word....which requires to study and do better on the GRE and the longer i put it off, the harder it becoomes..which is why it needs to happen [again urgency] soon and i need to go b/c i know that i am intelligent person capable of doing a lot with my life and my talents...anyways bye

so its august 22, over two months since i updated this thing..yeah i didnt get that job, sucks ass and recently i have been fired from the only job i had which was my only source of income, i turned 23 recently..wow.enough said, yeah i am rambling and the thoughts im typig are completely unrelated and have nothing to do with each other but yeah oh well..this is straight from my head..anyways life these days makes absolutely no fucking sense to me...im gonna go back to sru this fall and take more undergrad classes in philosoophy and spanish..which i am not sure makes any sense at all, but im bored and if im going to be living in this area for the next year, i need to have something to do besides work...my mother and sister are vehemently opposed to the idea, which i guess i can understand...they think i am wasting money, b/c yes at this point the only way i am paying for it is through loans..sucks,..but oh well, whats another 7,000 at this point?..i dont mean that, but its my decision and its what i want to do, i like education...so there..lol..beyond that i leave for myrtle beach tomorrow for like a week for a vacation with my family which i am really looking forward to, unfortunately i just hope i can enjoy it considering the vast amount of uncertainty that currently occupies or rather is my life recently. im trying quite intensely to find another job..i have seven applications in and not ONE has called me..i mean they are only restaurants and hotels and i have experience, i just want one phone call, being unemployed scares me to death right now..i need money and im not asking mom and dad for any(more)..anyways im hoping something works out soon..ttyl

my oh my how life seems to be changing for me almost daily, first and foremost i find it quite ironic that i sit here typing this blog in the library at SRU!..haha, a month after i graduated from this fine institution..lol..anyways, i have a job interview..for a REAL job that pays good money and does not consist of accomodating to the needs of strangers, in other words..not fucking customer service, which quite frankly, after like 1o years, i have had enough of..anyways..im excited, if all works out..i would be moving near DC..i know, i know i know..all the cliche trite expressions pop into my mind right now..dont take the cart before the horse or however it goes, dont count your chickens before they hatch..uggh whatever..i am putting aside my realistic pratical nature for a while and i am just going to be excited and happy..life has a chance of legitimately getting better for me and i am quite happy because of it..yay for me!!! hopefully eat n park will be a distant memory soon because i am sooooooooooooooooo tired of working there, i have so much more to offer this world besides serving to the needs of the public for shitty tips!!!

so apparently im staying in this fucking town for a bit longer, dont ask me why...i guess it cause maybe in like the last month or so, i have almost started to like my job at eat n park, but yeah in no way will i will be here for too long..i guess im going to sublet an apartment for 2 months and stick around here applying for as many jobs as i can and hopefully hear something and in the meantime, i will be a server at eat n puke...but i mean the realization i guess i have made is that there is nothing wrong with that..having a college degree does not automatically mean you must get a good job..ideally, yes, it should but ehh whatever..i can be content working there for now, i have some good friends there and i am actually good my job..it is never a job i thought i would be good at, im not a huge people person..but i find that if you smile and are nice to people..generally they are nice back..amazing realization eh?..haha...anyways but yeah hopefully out of all the jobs i am applying for i will hear something..i dont care what it is..just something to get my dick wet..or is the metaphor feet wet? oh well who knows...i like my variation better..anyways thats the update for now..ttyl

so im sitting here alone in this freakin apartment in slippery rock so ready to leave this town and relocate..i am probably going to moving to pittsburgh very soon, which makes me happy..the events of this past week have made me stronger i think, it is a shame that things have to go so far before i realize my faults..but it isnt the first time..i like to push and push and push until i cant anymore..then im a regretful piece of crap, like i said in an earlier blog..foresight needs to be 20/20..not highsight..let that be the motto by which i attempt to live my life..[key word being attempt]..i think that i have been forgiven and that the whole situation unforuntately got blown way out of proportion...but enough that is over and done with and it was a learning experience and i hope that someday i can come back to this town and place without so much disdain towards it..but yes life has gotten better for me, i was pretty miserable for a couple weeks..i didnt know what i was doing..i was waking up in the morning without purpose..wanting to just lie in bed..but ehh that passed, well my cat sits here next to me on my bed and she seems to be my only companion of late besides some good friends from work whom i hung out with last night and watched the penguins game which is going to a freakin' game 7..LAME..anyways i like writing, its quite therapeutic..until next time...

all i can possibly say is im sorry

so i sit here in the library for possibly my last time writing my last paper as an undergraduate student at sru..i am terrifed, i dont want to graduate..probably b/c i have absolutely no idea what i am going to do with my life right now..my emotions are so scattered recently, i dont even know to make of them..i mean its a mix of a bunch of things going on right now..but most important i think it is my safe, secure identity as a college student that is being taken from me. i went to this poli sci reception thing yesterday too and i realized there are a lot of people i am going to miss...as much as i may not have wanted to come to school here in the first place and as much as i bitch about it, i am going to miss it...it has turned into home without me even realizing it..if that even makes sense..but i better stop writing..i can feel tears approaching...uggh FML (i really hate it when people say that but it seemed appropriate)

so for those of you who might actually read this (very few i am sure), as an update to my april 5th post..yes indeed, the situation i was referencing did infact turn out just as it did before..the cirumstances are a bit different, but on the whole..the situations were pretty much analogous. yay for me! i traveled down the same road again and crashed..not completely totaled, but the damage is considerable..my insurance is not going to cover everything that has happened unfortunately..hopefully the other guy gets what is coming to him too...ok the metaphor has officially been beaten to death..but yeah....

it is time to move on, life needs to move forward..this chapter of my life has to come a close, i feel as though i need to put everything associated with slippery rock and my time spent here behind me..i am graduating from college in a week and it completely scares the hell out of me, but so what? its the unknown..how can we be scared of something we know nothing about? a fear of the unknown seems a bit futile but at times, it seems as though that is we are really scared of...i really want to go one of these meditation camps i have been hearing and learning about in my asian philosophy class..these buddhist monks seem so at peace with themselves and with life in general, they look inside their mind as my professor decribes it and understand the nature of their unhappiness..idk i probably wont but i think it would do me some good, i had a terrible weekend..isotation is a dangerous thing, i was so happy to go back to work today and be around people again...after all we are social beings..we require other people in order to truly be happy..but yeah im rambling and i just like writing on here even if noone reads it because writing is like therapy for..just like playing music..ok til next time...

i just have one question..why? why now? the timing on this could not be worse..i mean last time i was able to seek refuge by driving home all the time and getting out of this place..i dont have that option this time..i am stuck here because the massive amount of work i have to do before i graduate..why the fuck is the timing on this so bad?..why does it hurt so much? i didnt even do anything wrong..i wish i was a completely stoic unemotional person who didnt care about anything.just cold, calculating, rational...i sometimes feel like it would be so much easier to function..i would never get close to anyone and if i did, it wouldnt matter because i would have no emotional attachment..fuck emotions..champion rationality!........ok obviously that is no way to live but right now, it seems like one hell of an alternative to this bullshit

ok, so who is ready for more incoherent rambling? i know i am..so anyways last night i came to the realization i am disgustingly selfish and further, that if i was able to see beforehand the ignorance and stupidity that reveals itself to me after a situation had passed, i would be the greatest person in the world. Clearly, I realize this is not entirely possible..I mean I know the cliche "hindsight is 20/20"..yeah but seriously thats bullshit..because foresight needs to be 20/20..if it was, people would be much happier..at least i know i would be. Now, granted the situation I am referring to is rather insignificant and the fact that I am sitting here writing this right now probably only further exemplifies my selfishness, but yeah back to the whole foresight thing..if my foresight was as good as my hindsight, imagine the possibities..for anyone really, it would be incredible. well i guess the whole point to all this, that it is possible. it isnt't just something to rant about in a blog. Having good foresight and thinking and changing before a situation occurs..wow imagine that!..essentially thinking before you act is all im referring to..craziness, i know...ok enough for now, i know i feel better.

so basically, im fairly aware of the fact that i am far too analytical for my own good. i analyze every siutation to death and drive myself crazy because of it..i guess its a good thing that i am so self aware..but why does my behavior not change? i dont understand it..you can be so aware of your own tendencies and shortcomings, but fail to change them..its a paradox. But this whole thinking and analyzing bullshit ruins things in my life. I think too much instead of just acting..and it results in well, the same thing..i read this quote yesterday that was so simplistic but very revealing "if you do what you always do, you will get what you always got"..duh? right..but its so true..unless you change, nothing in your life will change..it has to be within..anyways im done ranting..i guess it just makes me feel better to write this crap down even if nobody reads it.

so its sunday afternoon, im sitting in the library at school before i go to work at 5..life is confusing me lately, i feel as though i am headed down a very dangerous road that i have been down before and im pretty sure i know how the whole thing ends..which makes me ask myself..why am i doing this again? why exactly am i letting history repeat itself? armed with the knowledge from my past mistakes, i still seemed doomed to repeat them again. i do cannot say i understand it and maybe it is going to require some real introspection on my part to get past this, but who knows maybe it will turn out better? knowing me, probably not. but we shall see...

So i sit here in the library at school..i look around and see so manu different people..different breeds, different everything. it seems as though people are trying so hard to be something, like they have to mask themselves with all these strange fashion statements..as if they have to protect themselves? why? i do not get it. i am in my last month of college and based on the people i see around me and look at, i feel as though i am in high school. however, am i really any better than them? i do not know..i suppose having some fake reality to cling to is better than nothing at all..but is it?..more thoughts to come, that is just on my mind and it makes me feel better to write it down