so for those of you who might actually read this (very few i am sure), as an update to my april 5th post..yes indeed, the situation i was referencing did infact turn out just as it did before..the cirumstances are a bit different, but on the whole..the situations were pretty much analogous. yay for me! i traveled down the same road again and crashed..not completely totaled, but the damage is considerable..my insurance is not going to cover everything that has happened unfortunately..hopefully the other guy gets what is coming to him too...ok the metaphor has officially been beaten to death..but yeah....

it is time to move on, life needs to move forward..this chapter of my life has to come a close, i feel as though i need to put everything associated with slippery rock and my time spent here behind me..i am graduating from college in a week and it completely scares the hell out of me, but so what? its the unknown..how can we be scared of something we know nothing about? a fear of the unknown seems a bit futile but at times, it seems as though that is we are really scared of...i really want to go one of these meditation camps i have been hearing and learning about in my asian philosophy class..these buddhist monks seem so at peace with themselves and with life in general, they look inside their mind as my professor decribes it and understand the nature of their unhappiness..idk i probably wont but i think it would do me some good, i had a terrible weekend..isotation is a dangerous thing, i was so happy to go back to work today and be around people again...after all we are social beings..we require other people in order to truly be happy..but yeah im rambling and i just like writing on here even if noone reads it because writing is like therapy for..just like playing music..ok til next time...

i just have one question..why? why now? the timing on this could not be worse..i mean last time i was able to seek refuge by driving home all the time and getting out of this place..i dont have that option this time..i am stuck here because the massive amount of work i have to do before i graduate..why the fuck is the timing on this so bad?..why does it hurt so much? i didnt even do anything wrong..i wish i was a completely stoic unemotional person who didnt care about anything.just cold, calculating, rational...i sometimes feel like it would be so much easier to function..i would never get close to anyone and if i did, it wouldnt matter because i would have no emotional attachment..fuck emotions..champion rationality!........ok obviously that is no way to live but right now, it seems like one hell of an alternative to this bullshit

ok, so who is ready for more incoherent rambling? i know i am..so anyways last night i came to the realization i am disgustingly selfish and further, that if i was able to see beforehand the ignorance and stupidity that reveals itself to me after a situation had passed, i would be the greatest person in the world. Clearly, I realize this is not entirely possible..I mean I know the cliche "hindsight is 20/20"..yeah but seriously thats bullshit..because foresight needs to be 20/20..if it was, people would be much happier..at least i know i would be. Now, granted the situation I am referring to is rather insignificant and the fact that I am sitting here writing this right now probably only further exemplifies my selfishness, but yeah back to the whole foresight thing..if my foresight was as good as my hindsight, imagine the possibities..for anyone really, it would be incredible. well i guess the whole point to all this, that it is possible. it isnt't just something to rant about in a blog. Having good foresight and thinking and changing before a situation occurs..wow imagine that!..essentially thinking before you act is all im referring to..craziness, i know...ok enough for now, i know i feel better.

so basically, im fairly aware of the fact that i am far too analytical for my own good. i analyze every siutation to death and drive myself crazy because of it..i guess its a good thing that i am so self aware..but why does my behavior not change? i dont understand it..you can be so aware of your own tendencies and shortcomings, but fail to change them..its a paradox. But this whole thinking and analyzing bullshit ruins things in my life. I think too much instead of just acting..and it results in well, the same thing..i read this quote yesterday that was so simplistic but very revealing "if you do what you always do, you will get what you always got"..duh? right..but its so true..unless you change, nothing in your life will change..it has to be within..anyways im done ranting..i guess it just makes me feel better to write this crap down even if nobody reads it.

so its sunday afternoon, im sitting in the library at school before i go to work at 5..life is confusing me lately, i feel as though i am headed down a very dangerous road that i have been down before and im pretty sure i know how the whole thing ends..which makes me ask myself..why am i doing this again? why exactly am i letting history repeat itself? armed with the knowledge from my past mistakes, i still seemed doomed to repeat them again. i do cannot say i understand it and maybe it is going to require some real introspection on my part to get past this, but who knows maybe it will turn out better? knowing me, probably not. but we shall see...