im better than i have been but not nearly as good i could be

so im in carbondale...i guess going on about 2 months now..and this is by far obviously the biggest change i have made in my life..so far this experience has been well probably like every other experience on my life..good and bad..recently i have wandered down the road of meeting a girl and this has sucked again..it was probably just a bad idea to even try..i knew from the start it was bad and not going to work but i figured i would try and get hurt anyways? because learning from my mistakes is not something i typically do...i always manage to find my way into the worst situations and this time i didnt even mean to...i wasnt even trying..but i suppose the lesson to take away is..meeting someone on facebook is a terrible idea..so unfortunately now this has me distracted and i am allowing my emotions to get the best of me, which is another quality about myself i fucking hate...i am not an emotionally strong person...not even close...and unfortunately i think you have to go through some really shitty situations before you become one and i dont think i am anywhere near that point..im trying my best to move beyond this and focus on what really matters and why i came here..GRADUATE SCHOOL..i cannot become this mopey, pathetic person that i have in the past...i have like 35 students who depend on me to show up twice a week and teach them how to write...in as much as that is possible..that has to be my focus and not to mention the 9 credits of graduate coursework i have also...i cannot let this stupid fucking diversion, whatever it is, distract me..i moved here for a reason and i cannot lose focus of that..i have so much at stake..all i did for like the past 5 years was talk and talk and talk about how all i wanted to do was go to graduate school and make my life better and i finally did it..i stopped talking and finally acted and it felt good and to let myself start to fail this early into my new life would be crime and i would let so many people down..most importantly myself

never imagined i would be here again..its september 2010 and im now living in zelienople, working at the kaufman house and still taking a class at sru. i cannot believe i am still in the same place i have been for like the past 5 years. im going nowhere fast..i feel so stuck..literally, in the same place doing the same things and changing nothing in my life at all. i had the opportunity to go to graduate school and move to a new city and a whole fresh new start and what did i do? well obviously this answer is obvious.didnt go..didnt move..same job..i cannot for the life of me understand why i am so afraid to move on and get a new direction..i just keep telling myself the only reason i didnt go was because of the money, that i didnt want to go into more debt and that is no doubt a big part of it..but should i really have let that stop me? i had so many people telling me so many different things but at the end of the day, i do regret this decision..i am not happy..far from it. i let all the practicality of the situation dictate what i should do and it won out..just like every other fucking decision i have made in my life..the safe one...i keep telling myself i am just going to apply all over again and i will get the right financial aid offer from the right school and all will be ok..but will it happen? i just dont know..i just turned 24 like 3 weeks ago which means i will be starting graduate school in philosophy at the age of 25..meaning if i stick with it, get the PhD and all that good stuff, i probably wont have a secure tenure track position until i am into my thirties..sounds fantastic...yeah this all probably sounds like bitching and feeling sorry for myself and for those of you that might read this and know me, you will just be like..dave, enough..noone is stopping you from doing things with your life except you and i know this is true..but im just freakin complacent and stuck in the same cycle..i cannot break it..oh well until next time

so im gonna blog becauuse i need to and it makes me feel better, i suppose this isnt so much blogging that i do but complaining, but what the hell, as i have repeatedly said, it makes me feel better when i have noone else to listen to me, what is quite insane is that it is april 1 today, almost another 3 months since i posted anything on here and i was reading my january post and it seemed like it hadnt been that long, time is such a strange phenomenon...but anyways, life well lets just be honest sucks recently aside from me getting a new car, i am so discontended with much of my life, i have been recjected from 2 grad schools thus far and continue to wait and wait and wait for the remaining two, i have no patience left...if i get into in grad school, at least i will be able to vindicate or rather justify to myself having come back to school this year because for some reason i always feel the need to want to justify things to myself, if i dot get into grad school, i have no idea what comes next, i would love to say i am just waiting to see what god has in store for me, but that is complete and utter crap, we make our own and choices and control our own lives...but like i said if i dont get in, im at a loss, i have no plan really...i could apply for some "real" jobs i suppose and see what happens but ultimately i know i wont be happy, i want to continue my education, i need to..if i know anything for certain at this point, i guess that is it...of late and especially this week, i am really hating my job..well not so much the job i guess but just the place..i have been working there pretty much consistently since i was 15, im fuckking 23 and doing nothing better, it really disgusts me and then there is this girl i work with who drives me crazy, in a good and bad way..its like we play this game at work and then outside work, its like we dont know each other and i do not get it for the life of me, moreover with school i just do not care, period..i have absolutely no motivation to do any homework or anything...all i want to do is go to class and particiapte, as for the work outside class, i simply either dont do it or half ass something at the last minute..i know this is a consequence of me having already graduated and come back, but i dont like making excuses for myself, but in this case, it is a good excuse..i know education does not necessarily have to be connected to some type of wealth..infact i truly believe that, otherwise i wouldnt be studying philosophy but at the end of the day, its the world we live in...education has to mean something, even if it is just more education, i.e. grad school, which is fine with me...im far too practical to say well im fine with just asking questions about the world for the rest of my life but never making any money, that plain and simply wont work, it may have for socrates, but look what happened to him...

wow, its been nearly 3 months since i updated this thing, i suppose i should just delete it but what the hell, every now and then its nice to put my thoughts down...so yeah nothing terribly exciting to report in my life, i am sooooooooooo ready to go back to school which happens tuesday..this christmas break has been long and boring, more than usual..although i have actually been productive at least these past couple weeks, i have been dilligently working on stuff for grad school, my writing sample in particular, my statements of purpose and i registered for the GRE yesterday...i am actually going to apply this year as opposed to year ago at this time when it never happened which i why i am still in slippery rock but actually i think it was a good idea because i was not ready to go a year at this time because i have discovered i have a passion for philosophy and care much less about politics and political science...i think it will alwaays be something i am interested in but as far pursuing a career in it..no thank you, philosophy just seems so much more important and relevant to life..not to say that politics isnt because indeed it was this very thing i preached to people for years about politics being relevant but i guess its just relevant in a differnt way...but anyways i will let you decide what the hell i am talking about..lol, but yeah georgia state university for now is the only school i am applying to..it REALLY is the only school i am interested in at this point because of its location in a huge city and because my one good friend lives there and because its a really good program and yeah it just seems to be the perfect fit..anywho, i am still working at the khouse and making little to no money and i really am starting to know what it feels like to be poor and not be able to spend money..its scary and you would think this would motivate me not to go into philosophy but i dont care..i saw this shirt one time that said like "study philosophy..its the quickest route to becoming poor" or something but that doesnt bother me, i would like to think if you are studying philosophy..you are not in it for the money..i like how this whole thing has been one long run on sentence and i really like that i dont have worry about grammar and punctualization on here..haha anyways tty in another 3 months

Hello Again

so its been a while, i dont particularly care for updating this thing b/c i dont think anyone reads it but every once in a while its ok, b/c writing down my thoughts is a good thing...anyways my life is i think i might say in a word, contented, not happy b/c there are still many things im lacking that i want..but i am going to school again which i think is turning out to be a good decision..i love learning and being educated esp. now that i am taking all classes that i want, i have a real passion for philosophy and i love learning second language..it had been 2 years since i took spanish classes and i love it..but yeah thats the nerd in me, i have returned to work at a place that i thought i had left for good at the beginning of 2008 and now i am back, but serving this time and it feels completely different...it almost feels like new job even though i worked here previously for like 6 years, but i am so far liking my job....i am actually really good at it, i mean its not terribly difficult..but the people i wait on are so nice and i am nice in return and i make good money..i feel like i have a real ability...[so says the other millions of servers too] haha but i mean its making me happy for the time being and fuck all the rest...i am doing what i want with my life for now and i have decided making myself happy has to be a priority..but beyond that it is more than sufficient to say that if a year from now, i am still doing this, i will not be happy..grad school needs to happen..in the most urgent sense of the word....which requires to study and do better on the GRE and the longer i put it off, the harder it becoomes..which is why it needs to happen [again urgency] soon and i need to go b/c i know that i am intelligent person capable of doing a lot with my life and my talents...anyways bye

so its august 22, over two months since i updated this thing..yeah i didnt get that job, sucks ass and recently i have been fired from the only job i had which was my only source of income, i turned 23 recently..wow.enough said, yeah i am rambling and the thoughts im typig are completely unrelated and have nothing to do with each other but yeah oh well..this is straight from my head..anyways life these days makes absolutely no fucking sense to me...im gonna go back to sru this fall and take more undergrad classes in philosoophy and spanish..which i am not sure makes any sense at all, but im bored and if im going to be living in this area for the next year, i need to have something to do besides work...my mother and sister are vehemently opposed to the idea, which i guess i can understand...they think i am wasting money, b/c yes at this point the only way i am paying for it is through loans..sucks,..but oh well, whats another 7,000 at this point?..i dont mean that, but its my decision and its what i want to do, i like education...so there..lol..beyond that i leave for myrtle beach tomorrow for like a week for a vacation with my family which i am really looking forward to, unfortunately i just hope i can enjoy it considering the vast amount of uncertainty that currently occupies or rather is my life recently. im trying quite intensely to find another job..i have seven applications in and not ONE has called me..i mean they are only restaurants and hotels and i have experience, i just want one phone call, being unemployed scares me to death right now..i need money and im not asking mom and dad for any(more)..anyways im hoping something works out soon..ttyl

my oh my how life seems to be changing for me almost daily, first and foremost i find it quite ironic that i sit here typing this blog in the library at SRU!..haha, a month after i graduated from this fine institution..lol..anyways, i have a job interview..for a REAL job that pays good money and does not consist of accomodating to the needs of strangers, in other words..not fucking customer service, which quite frankly, after like 1o years, i have had enough of..anyways..im excited, if all works out..i would be moving near DC..i know, i know i know..all the cliche trite expressions pop into my mind right now..dont take the cart before the horse or however it goes, dont count your chickens before they hatch..uggh whatever..i am putting aside my realistic pratical nature for a while and i am just going to be excited and happy..life has a chance of legitimately getting better for me and i am quite happy because of it..yay for me!!! hopefully eat n park will be a distant memory soon because i am sooooooooooooooooo tired of working there, i have so much more to offer this world besides serving to the needs of the public for shitty tips!!!