never imagined i would be here again..its september 2010 and im now living in zelienople, working at the kaufman house and still taking a class at sru. i cannot believe i am still in the same place i have been for like the past 5 years. im going nowhere fast..i feel so stuck..literally, in the same place doing the same things and changing nothing in my life at all. i had the opportunity to go to graduate school and move to a new city and a whole fresh new start and what did i do? well obviously this answer is obvious.didnt go..didnt move..same job..i cannot for the life of me understand why i am so afraid to move on and get a new direction..i just keep telling myself the only reason i didnt go was because of the money, that i didnt want to go into more debt and that is no doubt a big part of it..but should i really have let that stop me? i had so many people telling me so many different things but at the end of the day, i do regret this decision..i am not happy..far from it. i let all the practicality of the situation dictate what i should do and it won out..just like every other fucking decision i have made in my life..the safe one...i keep telling myself i am just going to apply all over again and i will get the right financial aid offer from the right school and all will be ok..but will it happen? i just dont know..i just turned 24 like 3 weeks ago which means i will be starting graduate school in philosophy at the age of 25..meaning if i stick with it, get the PhD and all that good stuff, i probably wont have a secure tenure track position until i am into my thirties..sounds fantastic...yeah this all probably sounds like bitching and feeling sorry for myself and for those of you that might read this and know me, you will just be like..dave, enough..noone is stopping you from doing things with your life except you and i know this is true..but im just freakin complacent and stuck in the same cycle..i cannot break it..oh well until next time

so im gonna blog becauuse i need to and it makes me feel better, i suppose this isnt so much blogging that i do but complaining, but what the hell, as i have repeatedly said, it makes me feel better when i have noone else to listen to me, what is quite insane is that it is april 1 today, almost another 3 months since i posted anything on here and i was reading my january post and it seemed like it hadnt been that long, time is such a strange phenomenon...but anyways, life well lets just be honest sucks recently aside from me getting a new car, i am so discontended with much of my life, i have been recjected from 2 grad schools thus far and continue to wait and wait and wait for the remaining two, i have no patience left...if i get into in grad school, at least i will be able to vindicate or rather justify to myself having come back to school this year because for some reason i always feel the need to want to justify things to myself, if i dot get into grad school, i have no idea what comes next, i would love to say i am just waiting to see what god has in store for me, but that is complete and utter crap, we make our own and choices and control our own lives...but like i said if i dont get in, im at a loss, i have no plan really...i could apply for some "real" jobs i suppose and see what happens but ultimately i know i wont be happy, i want to continue my education, i need to..if i know anything for certain at this point, i guess that is it...of late and especially this week, i am really hating my job..well not so much the job i guess but just the place..i have been working there pretty much consistently since i was 15, im fuckking 23 and doing nothing better, it really disgusts me and then there is this girl i work with who drives me crazy, in a good and bad way..its like we play this game at work and then outside work, its like we dont know each other and i do not get it for the life of me, moreover with school i just do not care, period..i have absolutely no motivation to do any homework or anything...all i want to do is go to class and particiapte, as for the work outside class, i simply either dont do it or half ass something at the last minute..i know this is a consequence of me having already graduated and come back, but i dont like making excuses for myself, but in this case, it is a good excuse..i know education does not necessarily have to be connected to some type of wealth..infact i truly believe that, otherwise i wouldnt be studying philosophy but at the end of the day, its the world we live in...education has to mean something, even if it is just more education, i.e. grad school, which is fine with me...im far too practical to say well im fine with just asking questions about the world for the rest of my life but never making any money, that plain and simply wont work, it may have for socrates, but look what happened to him...

wow, its been nearly 3 months since i updated this thing, i suppose i should just delete it but what the hell, every now and then its nice to put my thoughts down...so yeah nothing terribly exciting to report in my life, i am sooooooooooo ready to go back to school which happens tuesday..this christmas break has been long and boring, more than usual..although i have actually been productive at least these past couple weeks, i have been dilligently working on stuff for grad school, my writing sample in particular, my statements of purpose and i registered for the GRE yesterday...i am actually going to apply this year as opposed to year ago at this time when it never happened which i why i am still in slippery rock but actually i think it was a good idea because i was not ready to go a year at this time because i have discovered i have a passion for philosophy and care much less about politics and political science...i think it will alwaays be something i am interested in but as far pursuing a career in it..no thank you, philosophy just seems so much more important and relevant to life..not to say that politics isnt because indeed it was this very thing i preached to people for years about politics being relevant but i guess its just relevant in a differnt way...but anyways i will let you decide what the hell i am talking about..lol, but yeah georgia state university for now is the only school i am applying to..it REALLY is the only school i am interested in at this point because of its location in a huge city and because my one good friend lives there and because its a really good program and yeah it just seems to be the perfect fit..anywho, i am still working at the khouse and making little to no money and i really am starting to know what it feels like to be poor and not be able to spend money..its scary and you would think this would motivate me not to go into philosophy but i dont care..i saw this shirt one time that said like "study philosophy..its the quickest route to becoming poor" or something but that doesnt bother me, i would like to think if you are studying philosophy..you are not in it for the money..i like how this whole thing has been one long run on sentence and i really like that i dont have worry about grammar and punctualization on here..haha anyways tty in another 3 months