so im gonna blog becauuse i need to and it makes me feel better, i suppose this isnt so much blogging that i do but complaining, but what the hell, as i have repeatedly said, it makes me feel better when i have noone else to listen to me, what is quite insane is that it is april 1 today, almost another 3 months since i posted anything on here and i was reading my january post and it seemed like it hadnt been that long, time is such a strange phenomenon...but anyways, life well lets just be honest sucks recently aside from me getting a new car, i am so discontended with much of my life, i have been recjected from 2 grad schools thus far and continue to wait and wait and wait for the remaining two, i have no patience left...if i get into in grad school, at least i will be able to vindicate or rather justify to myself having come back to school this year because for some reason i always feel the need to want to justify things to myself, if i dot get into grad school, i have no idea what comes next, i would love to say i am just waiting to see what god has in store for me, but that is complete and utter crap, we make our own and choices and control our own lives...but like i said if i dont get in, im at a loss, i have no plan really...i could apply for some "real" jobs i suppose and see what happens but ultimately i know i wont be happy, i want to continue my education, i need to..if i know anything for certain at this point, i guess that is it...of late and especially this week, i am really hating my job..well not so much the job i guess but just the place..i have been working there pretty much consistently since i was 15, im fuckking 23 and doing nothing better, it really disgusts me and then there is this girl i work with who drives me crazy, in a good and bad way..its like we play this game at work and then outside work, its like we dont know each other and i do not get it for the life of me, moreover with school i just do not care, period..i have absolutely no motivation to do any homework or anything...all i want to do is go to class and particiapte, as for the work outside class, i simply either dont do it or half ass something at the last minute..i know this is a consequence of me having already graduated and come back, but i dont like making excuses for myself, but in this case, it is a good excuse..i know education does not necessarily have to be connected to some type of wealth..infact i truly believe that, otherwise i wouldnt be studying philosophy but at the end of the day, its the world we live in...education has to mean something, even if it is just more education, i.e. grad school, which is fine with me...im far too practical to say well im fine with just asking questions about the world for the rest of my life but never making any money, that plain and simply wont work, it may have for socrates, but look what happened to him...